I'm at that point in my life where, I feel I'm ready to find the right man. I feel like I'm ready to settle down and eventually start a family. However, at the same time, I feel like I can't have a family, that my career should come first, and once I've accomplished what I've wanted to accomplish, that only then am I able to settle down, and start a family. But then I have fears, fears that once I do find a man, he'll end up being like all the others...he'll lie, cheat, and never truly care for me. See and here is where a whole other problem arises...I've realized that I do already care for a man, whom I do trust, and who I feel knows me better than any other, but he doesn't feel the same...and all I can do is respect that. But honestly its difficult, especially when your entire family feels the same about him. But then, I argue with myself...telling myself it wouldnt work out anyway. For starters we're way too far apart from one another, and well, to be able to fully trust someone, I need to know everything, and communicate about everything, and this is one thing he lacks...communication about the things I'd want to talk about most, he simply wouldnt.
And then, I tell myself that maybe I dont really love him, I just think that I do, because the situation seems somewhat convenient...I trust him...I know him fairly well...he knows me inside and out...my family loves him...they wish I'd be with him...and well I've known him for 7 years now. But no matter how I try to move on, he remains in the back of my mind...and I feel that no matter what in the end we will be together. My problem is...I dont want to have to go through any other "potentials" when I feel I've already found him...I dont wanna have to go through more assholes, liars, and heartaches...
I simply feel ready...ready to have that special someone love me more than I could have ever imagined, who will take care of me, whether I want him to or not, who will treat me and love me and care for me in a way that I simply couldnt even imagine...regardless...i do realize that just because I feel ready, doesnt mean its the right time. Because to be honest, it really isn't. I'll be finishing up my last year of school...and then having to start a new chapter, it'd simply be too much stress, that and, I would be afraid that it would cloud my judgment when making important lifelong decisions...so for now...i just need to stop "feeling ready" and wanting something that, wouldnt be best for me right now...why does life have to feel so complicated and complex at times lol...
Sunday, June 13, 2010
Monday, May 17, 2010
Change...
Change...
Change can be unexpecting, challenging, complicated, and extremely difficult to deal with. Growing up within the military life, change is something one has to get used to; however now that I've spent four years in the civilian world...I've seemed to have forgotten how to deal with change. Unfortunately I am not the one who has graduated college, not yet anyway, but the people whom I care about most have. Now I feel as if I'm alone. I have one more year left, and I fear that that one year will be by far the hardest. Having to go through things without your closest friends near by is difficult, and something I wish I didn't have to deal with, again. I see this last year going two ways; either, I will get my shit together and be the best student ever, or....I'll be the worst, not caring at all, and ending up wallowing in my own pity. I just hope the second wont be an option for me.
I find it funny that this is the type of change that scares me. Graduating College and moving on with my life, doesn't. This is what I can't wait for. I'm beyond ready to get my life and career started. I'm ready to be on my own, independent, and living life to the fullest of my abilities,without anyone or anything holding me back, this, this is what I cannot wait for. This change is change I'll be able to handle. It's funny isn't it. I know, I can't seem to explain why what one would assume to be the biggest and most difficult change, would be the change I'm ready for lol.
Change can be unexpecting, challenging, complicated, and extremely difficult to deal with. Growing up within the military life, change is something one has to get used to; however now that I've spent four years in the civilian world...I've seemed to have forgotten how to deal with change. Unfortunately I am not the one who has graduated college, not yet anyway, but the people whom I care about most have. Now I feel as if I'm alone. I have one more year left, and I fear that that one year will be by far the hardest. Having to go through things without your closest friends near by is difficult, and something I wish I didn't have to deal with, again. I see this last year going two ways; either, I will get my shit together and be the best student ever, or....I'll be the worst, not caring at all, and ending up wallowing in my own pity. I just hope the second wont be an option for me.
I find it funny that this is the type of change that scares me. Graduating College and moving on with my life, doesn't. This is what I can't wait for. I'm beyond ready to get my life and career started. I'm ready to be on my own, independent, and living life to the fullest of my abilities,without anyone or anything holding me back, this, this is what I cannot wait for. This change is change I'll be able to handle. It's funny isn't it. I know, I can't seem to explain why what one would assume to be the biggest and most difficult change, would be the change I'm ready for lol.
Monday, March 22, 2010
~LoVe~
All I've ever wanted was to find that sometime to truly and faithfully LOVE ME. Apparently now a days that's just too much to ask for. I've had many ups and downs when it comes to love. Many say, I'm the one who wears my heart on my sleeve. Yes, I know I do, but thats simply because I'm yearning to be loved. So I attempt to make each guy I meet and talk to be the one I could possibly fall in Love with, however, as my experiences have taught me, I can't. This in turn will only hurt me. Not everyone is Mr. Right, and I need to realize that. I just have the hardest time to, because I get all excited when I meet someone new, you get all the butterflies, and cutesy flirtyness going on...and that simply seems to find a way to cloud my judgment. I tend to find the goodness in everybody and escalate it to out do the bad, when in all reality, it should be the other way around. But only to my benefit, so I no longer have to worry about getting hurt. I feel like sometimes I emotionally 'dive' in too fast when it comes to guys, scratch that, I KNOW I dive in too fast emotionally when it comes to guys. I just cant seem to figure out how to change that about me. I feel like my wanting to be loved is so powerful it over takes my wanting of not being hurt again. It's like I'm willing to take that chance of getting hurt, just so that possibility of being loved might just be able to come true. I know I need to change my ways...and eventually I will...and I think here soon...mainly because my senses are heightening and I'm startin to be able to smell bullshit from a mile away...lets just hope what I want wont get in the way of it...I know I'll find the one to love me, someday...i just need to be patient....and patience is a virtue...
Thursday, February 4, 2010
2/4/10: Relationships
Boys, girls, men, women and relationships. We all want them, at least in one way shape or form, but we can't all have them. Those who find them however, find that, they aren't all what they expected.
If its one lesson I learned from my past relationships, it would definitely have to be, to never settle. To settle means to find someone that either doesn't have all the qualities you're looking for, doesn't love you or treat you the way you feel you deserve, that you live in constant stress with, simply put, where you know deep down that this isn't the right person for you.
Each and every person deserves to have love in their life. Love that is untainted, love that can create miracles. And to settle for anything less, is pointless. Every person must love them selves enough to find someone to love them and treat them the way they know and should be treated. You don't want to find yourself in a relationship where, all you do is argue, create stress, worry, get hurt, feel unappreciated etc. You want to find yourself to be in a relationship where you can feel, hear and see the love. You want to be stress free, have limited arguments, and where you can truly be happy. Because all in all, the whole reason why the majority of us want a relationship, is so that we can be HAPPY. And if you find yourself in a relationship, that you struggle to be happy in, you are obviously settling. Regardless of history, regardless of 'love', regardless of their happiness, you are ultimately looking to make YOU happy, and if you're not...the best advice I can give anyone, is to put YOU first. Make YOU happy, do whatever it is to make YOU happy. And don't be afraid that you wont find some one new...because you will. Trust me, I know. And now I feel foolish for ever believing that my last relationship would be the best one, I laugh aloud, because, hell...I could've done a 100% better than him...and I will, once I find the right one for me, because I'm not settling once again.
You need to love yourself, before any man or woman can love you. You need to appreciate yourself, before anyone can appreciate you. You need to make sure that you are all you want to be, and be happy with who you are, before you can find the person that's right for you and that will truly make you happy.
We are often misguided by the illusion that a relationship is to have that someone to 'fill the other half of you'. This is so not true, as I've learned. I was once under this illusion as well. But rather that person is their to make you a better person, to help you in any way, to love you in every way. You need to be complete to find that person for you, so to say that you need to find someone to fill the other half of you, your settling. All they are supposed to do, is make that 'whole' you, that much better.
Yes, I understand the feeling of loneliness often gets in the way of what we know is right, however, everyone needs to feel loneliness at least once in your life. And everyone needs to find a way to be ok with it, because once they do, then you are truly ready for a relationship. Because then you wont settle with someone, just so you wont feel lonely. It is then that you'll look for someone you know you deserve, that will love you and appreciate you the way you should be.
If its one lesson I learned from my past relationships, it would definitely have to be, to never settle. To settle means to find someone that either doesn't have all the qualities you're looking for, doesn't love you or treat you the way you feel you deserve, that you live in constant stress with, simply put, where you know deep down that this isn't the right person for you.
Each and every person deserves to have love in their life. Love that is untainted, love that can create miracles. And to settle for anything less, is pointless. Every person must love them selves enough to find someone to love them and treat them the way they know and should be treated. You don't want to find yourself in a relationship where, all you do is argue, create stress, worry, get hurt, feel unappreciated etc. You want to find yourself to be in a relationship where you can feel, hear and see the love. You want to be stress free, have limited arguments, and where you can truly be happy. Because all in all, the whole reason why the majority of us want a relationship, is so that we can be HAPPY. And if you find yourself in a relationship, that you struggle to be happy in, you are obviously settling. Regardless of history, regardless of 'love', regardless of their happiness, you are ultimately looking to make YOU happy, and if you're not...the best advice I can give anyone, is to put YOU first. Make YOU happy, do whatever it is to make YOU happy. And don't be afraid that you wont find some one new...because you will. Trust me, I know. And now I feel foolish for ever believing that my last relationship would be the best one, I laugh aloud, because, hell...I could've done a 100% better than him...and I will, once I find the right one for me, because I'm not settling once again.
You need to love yourself, before any man or woman can love you. You need to appreciate yourself, before anyone can appreciate you. You need to make sure that you are all you want to be, and be happy with who you are, before you can find the person that's right for you and that will truly make you happy.
We are often misguided by the illusion that a relationship is to have that someone to 'fill the other half of you'. This is so not true, as I've learned. I was once under this illusion as well. But rather that person is their to make you a better person, to help you in any way, to love you in every way. You need to be complete to find that person for you, so to say that you need to find someone to fill the other half of you, your settling. All they are supposed to do, is make that 'whole' you, that much better.
Yes, I understand the feeling of loneliness often gets in the way of what we know is right, however, everyone needs to feel loneliness at least once in your life. And everyone needs to find a way to be ok with it, because once they do, then you are truly ready for a relationship. Because then you wont settle with someone, just so you wont feel lonely. It is then that you'll look for someone you know you deserve, that will love you and appreciate you the way you should be.
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
Unexpected events
I can't help but to think about all the unexpected events that life throws at you. And they ALWAYS pop up, never do they go away. I suppose these are the things that never make life boring.
One would think that after four years, and maintaining a close relationship, you'd know a person quite well. However, as I've stated, life can be very unexpected. A persons actions speak far louder than words,whether or not influenced in some way shape or form. Words can only hold so much, and some things out weigh its capacity.
Whether or not I know its not in your character to take part in such actions, your character has many, many sides. Your character has the ability to camouflage itself to fit any and all circumstances;which ever is the more convenient for you. Your character has the ability to change so frequently, to where somethings, I just find hard to believe. And after four years, one would think that you could see through the camouflage, however, it still blinds me to seeing the real you. Sometimes I wonder if there even is a YOU, most of the time I find that YOU is simply the many and various characters you like to portray.
This time, your actions have outspoken your words. And I don't know if I can find it in my heart to listen to your words once again. I would, however, like to thank you for the last four years; your words and your actions were very much appreciated. But now its time for me to let go, the last four years, are just that, the last four years. I now have to focus on what lies ahead. I just hope that one day, you'll find yourself, and all those characters will disappear. And that you no longer camouflage yourself. And allow your actions and your words to coincide. Goodbye
One would think that after four years, and maintaining a close relationship, you'd know a person quite well. However, as I've stated, life can be very unexpected. A persons actions speak far louder than words,whether or not influenced in some way shape or form. Words can only hold so much, and some things out weigh its capacity.
Whether or not I know its not in your character to take part in such actions, your character has many, many sides. Your character has the ability to camouflage itself to fit any and all circumstances;which ever is the more convenient for you. Your character has the ability to change so frequently, to where somethings, I just find hard to believe. And after four years, one would think that you could see through the camouflage, however, it still blinds me to seeing the real you. Sometimes I wonder if there even is a YOU, most of the time I find that YOU is simply the many and various characters you like to portray.
This time, your actions have outspoken your words. And I don't know if I can find it in my heart to listen to your words once again. I would, however, like to thank you for the last four years; your words and your actions were very much appreciated. But now its time for me to let go, the last four years, are just that, the last four years. I now have to focus on what lies ahead. I just hope that one day, you'll find yourself, and all those characters will disappear. And that you no longer camouflage yourself. And allow your actions and your words to coincide. Goodbye
Saturday, January 30, 2010
1/30/10: Love for ME
I'm proud to say, I'm finally changing back into the OLD and more improved ME.
Back home [Bamberg Germany], I was very much a Bitch, bossy, controlling, and slightly cocky. I had a large amount of respect for myself, and definitely put myself up on this little pedestal lol. This attitude of mine was definitely a result of finding my niche in high school; for me it was sports. However, moving stateside changed all of that. I didn't make any of the club teams and I definitely couldn't make the varsity teams, I couldn't find my niche.
I couldn't find my niche, and fell into a deep depression from being away from home, and from not being able to fit in, which all resulted in me losing that respect I had, it made me lose my bitchiness, control, and cockiness. I was this vulnerable young woman. That is when I sought for attention, the wrong kind of attention.
In high school, I was always seen as the 'homie', never did I get the attention of me being a beautiful girl that they wanted to be with. And if they did show me attention, it always had to be on the DL..sometimes I'd take it, however most, most I just shrugged them off, because I knew I deserved better. But once I got to college, I lost all that respect, and took what I could get, I settled. I felt that any attention was good attention, cause it would make me feel good about myself; I only felt good about myself when I had attention. I know this is completely wrong, and stupid, but that's how I felt. I did anything I could to feel good, because I couldn't make myself feel good.
I've been through ALOT within the last four years of my life...I've had many, many downs, and tried so hard to pull myself back up, but I never could. I still relied on others to make me feel good. And I've come to the realization that the reason for all the hardships I've had to endure within the last four years was a result of the lack of respect, confidence, and love for ME.
I met someone just a few months ago, and I'm starting to see changes. Yes, I suppose this is me relying on someone else to bring me back up, but the difference is...this person is helping me change, so that I can bring myself back up. I'm slowly starting to see myself gain that respect that I once had for myself, that confidence is slowly returning, and I'm starting to love ME again. And I can honestly say that I LOVE this me, and this me is going to be staying here from here on out And to that special someone, I just want to say thank you...thank you from the bottom of my heart. It means so much to me to have you here and helping me be ME again. I just hope that one day I can be there for you like you are there for me now.
<3
Back home [Bamberg Germany], I was very much a Bitch, bossy, controlling, and slightly cocky. I had a large amount of respect for myself, and definitely put myself up on this little pedestal lol. This attitude of mine was definitely a result of finding my niche in high school; for me it was sports. However, moving stateside changed all of that. I didn't make any of the club teams and I definitely couldn't make the varsity teams, I couldn't find my niche.
I couldn't find my niche, and fell into a deep depression from being away from home, and from not being able to fit in, which all resulted in me losing that respect I had, it made me lose my bitchiness, control, and cockiness. I was this vulnerable young woman. That is when I sought for attention, the wrong kind of attention.
In high school, I was always seen as the 'homie', never did I get the attention of me being a beautiful girl that they wanted to be with. And if they did show me attention, it always had to be on the DL..sometimes I'd take it, however most, most I just shrugged them off, because I knew I deserved better. But once I got to college, I lost all that respect, and took what I could get, I settled. I felt that any attention was good attention, cause it would make me feel good about myself; I only felt good about myself when I had attention. I know this is completely wrong, and stupid, but that's how I felt. I did anything I could to feel good, because I couldn't make myself feel good.
I've been through ALOT within the last four years of my life...I've had many, many downs, and tried so hard to pull myself back up, but I never could. I still relied on others to make me feel good. And I've come to the realization that the reason for all the hardships I've had to endure within the last four years was a result of the lack of respect, confidence, and love for ME.
I met someone just a few months ago, and I'm starting to see changes. Yes, I suppose this is me relying on someone else to bring me back up, but the difference is...this person is helping me change, so that I can bring myself back up. I'm slowly starting to see myself gain that respect that I once had for myself, that confidence is slowly returning, and I'm starting to love ME again. And I can honestly say that I LOVE this me, and this me is going to be staying here from here on out And to that special someone, I just want to say thank you...thank you from the bottom of my heart. It means so much to me to have you here and helping me be ME again. I just hope that one day I can be there for you like you are there for me now.
<3
Friday, January 29, 2010
1/29/10: History
The history I hold with me, is quite a unique one.I was born and raised into the military life. It wasn't until I began my college career that I had to engage myself in the civilian life.
My mother, a German, who was born and raised in Germany. My father, an American, who was bored and raised in Michigan.My father spent 24yrs in the Army, and I was apart of the last 17 years. I was born in Germany, in a German-Catholic hospital, that was right down the road from my Uhr Oma's [Great Grandmother] house. My brother, who was there for the last 15 of the 24 years, was born on a military base, in a military hospital. I was raised in a bi-lingual household, English became my first language, German my second; mainly because I had attended the American schools on the Army bases, rather than going to German school. Which would've been an amazing experience, however, my parents thought it would be in my best interest to attend only the American schools. Which I do understand, because these two school systems are quite different, and it would've only caused problems further down the road.
I was born in Ludwigshaffen Germany, while my family was stationed Schweinfurt, and then Mannheim, until I was about the age of 4-5. We then were stationed to Ft. Lewis WA. We stayed there for roughly three years, until my father was deployed to Korea. My mother, whom had never lived in the states until now, didn't know where to turn to. Luckily my Oma [Grandmother: who is also German] remarried to an American and lived in Arkansas. So as my dad deployed for a year, we moved to Arkansas. Here was where I had my first little taste of civilian life.It was extremely difficult, and as I found out 4 years ago, still is. However, that year flew by, and we were stationed back to Ft. Lewis WA. And it was in 2000, that we were stationed back to Germany. Here we were lucky enough to stay for 6 fabulous years. It was here in this last city, that I became the person I am today.
Growing up in the military life, was difficult at times. Always having to be the new kid, not having a house that you grew up in, and could always go back to, always having to explain your life story. What was most difficult, was leaving those friendships that you took so long to make, and quickly had to leave. However, I will say one thing, friendships made within the military life, they stay with you forever. Not only was it difficult with having to move from place to place, but having a parent gone, alot, was also difficult. My father was often deployed, and sent to the Field quite often. As I got older I started to understand more and more the life of a soldier and what all it entails.Once 9/11 occurred, was when I truly saw for the first time, my father as a soldier. After this event, alot changed. Fortunately I was one of the few lucky ones that never had to worry about my father being deployed to war. My school now had soldiers, armed, walking the perimeters of the school, we had to be checked into the building, sometimes having backpacks searched, etc.This was the first time I had to do anything like that, it was slightly terrifying. When going off and on base, we had to be searched, which took forever, but we understood the situation and knew it was necessary. To be honest, it wasn't until after 9/11 that I truly appreciated my lifestyle, and appreciated my country and all the soldiers fighting for us. When saying the Pledge of Allegance, especially the first few times after the event, I cried. Having to come to school, to see the flags at half-mass, which symbolized that another soldier from our base had passed. Walking to school in the morning to hear that Trumpet, with the same old tune, symbolizing a memorial service for more soldiers who had passed. Hearing stories of those soldiers who had taken their lives, to avoid war, those who took drastic measures to simply avoid doing their job. 9/11 truly brought the job of a soldier back into realization, because for a long time, war was in the back of everyone's minds.What I miss most, are the times I went to the movies, and stood up for the National Anthem, before EVERY movie, walking on base to find different Brigades doing PT, running with their company flag, each with their own chants, the diversity, and the respect that was always there.
The first time I saw my father as a soldier, was when his entire Brigade was to be deployed to Iraq, and he wasn't, and was supposed to stay back and work as the Rear Detachment, taking care of the families left behind. Because my father wanted to go. He felt the need to be with his soldiers, he felt that he had to take their place and someone else take his. This, honestly, was the hardest thing for me to take in. I couldn't understand why my dad would want to leave ME and my family, to go to a war, that had JUST begun, and risk his life. As I said, it was then I saw him as a soldier. He knew what his job entailed and he was ready to do it. Home was hard for quite a while after this. But eventually my father grew to appreciate the hand God had dealt him, in allowing him to be home, safe, with his family. I do have to say, one of the most difficult experiences I had to take part in, was during the Engineer Ball [my father was a combat engineer]. My mother wanted me to go with my dad to the Ball. I was all excited, and couldnt wait. Once we got their, we mingled, ate, and it was then, when they made presentations, that I wish I couldve avoided the whole situation. On top of the stage was a huge 8ft by 8ft Frame with tons of wallet size photos, of the soldiers whom were Engineers of this Brigade that had fallen/ passed away in war. And they also had a memorial for the few soldiers that had fallen just a few days prior. Having their boots side by side, with their rifle in between and their helmet on top of the rifle, with the pictures on the side. I couldnt help by cry, and thank God that my dad didnt have to go. After the presentation, most of the guests started to dance, and try to enjoy themselves. I couldnt help but stare at one of my fathers Private's. He had pulled a chair up in front of that huge frame, and sat there and cried. He cried all night. It was then, that I decided I could never be apart of the military.I couldnt help but cry for him. He was now alone, all his friends had passed away.
Come graduation time, again, I was one of the few who were fortunate enough to have my father see me graduate. For those whose parents were deployed, we had a video conference, so that over webcam, they could see their child graduate. I graduated at a Castle, Seehof, a beautiful little castle, mainly known for its luscious gardens. A week or two after, I left what became home. And I promise you, so soon I stepped foot off that airplane, I felt tension in the air.
One thing that I love most about the way I grew up, is that I grew up within a diverse community, with hardly any judgements, or prejudices. I honestly didnt know that racism, and prejudicism still existed, I thought that had ended not too long after the Civil Rights Movement. But I realized QUICKLY, that that wasnt the case. My first year of College was a difficult one. I felt as if I didnt fit in anywhere. I felt like I couldnt hangout with the "white" crowd, because the majority of them seemed fake to me. Like wanna-be Laguna beach girls lol [ i appologize for the stereotype, but this is how i felt], I felt like I couldnt hangout with the "black" crowd, simply because i was white.And NEVER before did i have this issue. But the looks n comments I got from both crowds were ridiculous. And thats pretty much as far as diversity goes on my campus, minus the small population of international students from China. However, these students primarily stick together. I felt lost, confused, thrown into this whole new world, in which I didnt agree with. Where I grew up, we ALL hung-out together, no issue of race or anything really. I fell into a deep, deep depression. Im ashamed to admit this, but I even thought about suicide, and almost attempted it. However, I didnt, I had met two people, who had become extremely close to me, who had brought me back up. But I'm still struggling with this issue of race, and prejudices today. And Im dedicating my schooling to fight against this issue as well as poverty.
Well I suppose this is enough for my first entry, but be prepared to have many more..
--The Undiscoverd
My mother, a German, who was born and raised in Germany. My father, an American, who was bored and raised in Michigan.My father spent 24yrs in the Army, and I was apart of the last 17 years. I was born in Germany, in a German-Catholic hospital, that was right down the road from my Uhr Oma's [Great Grandmother] house. My brother, who was there for the last 15 of the 24 years, was born on a military base, in a military hospital. I was raised in a bi-lingual household, English became my first language, German my second; mainly because I had attended the American schools on the Army bases, rather than going to German school. Which would've been an amazing experience, however, my parents thought it would be in my best interest to attend only the American schools. Which I do understand, because these two school systems are quite different, and it would've only caused problems further down the road.
I was born in Ludwigshaffen Germany, while my family was stationed Schweinfurt, and then Mannheim, until I was about the age of 4-5. We then were stationed to Ft. Lewis WA. We stayed there for roughly three years, until my father was deployed to Korea. My mother, whom had never lived in the states until now, didn't know where to turn to. Luckily my Oma [Grandmother: who is also German] remarried to an American and lived in Arkansas. So as my dad deployed for a year, we moved to Arkansas. Here was where I had my first little taste of civilian life.It was extremely difficult, and as I found out 4 years ago, still is. However, that year flew by, and we were stationed back to Ft. Lewis WA. And it was in 2000, that we were stationed back to Germany. Here we were lucky enough to stay for 6 fabulous years. It was here in this last city, that I became the person I am today.
Growing up in the military life, was difficult at times. Always having to be the new kid, not having a house that you grew up in, and could always go back to, always having to explain your life story. What was most difficult, was leaving those friendships that you took so long to make, and quickly had to leave. However, I will say one thing, friendships made within the military life, they stay with you forever. Not only was it difficult with having to move from place to place, but having a parent gone, alot, was also difficult. My father was often deployed, and sent to the Field quite often. As I got older I started to understand more and more the life of a soldier and what all it entails.Once 9/11 occurred, was when I truly saw for the first time, my father as a soldier. After this event, alot changed. Fortunately I was one of the few lucky ones that never had to worry about my father being deployed to war. My school now had soldiers, armed, walking the perimeters of the school, we had to be checked into the building, sometimes having backpacks searched, etc.This was the first time I had to do anything like that, it was slightly terrifying. When going off and on base, we had to be searched, which took forever, but we understood the situation and knew it was necessary. To be honest, it wasn't until after 9/11 that I truly appreciated my lifestyle, and appreciated my country and all the soldiers fighting for us. When saying the Pledge of Allegance, especially the first few times after the event, I cried. Having to come to school, to see the flags at half-mass, which symbolized that another soldier from our base had passed. Walking to school in the morning to hear that Trumpet, with the same old tune, symbolizing a memorial service for more soldiers who had passed. Hearing stories of those soldiers who had taken their lives, to avoid war, those who took drastic measures to simply avoid doing their job. 9/11 truly brought the job of a soldier back into realization, because for a long time, war was in the back of everyone's minds.What I miss most, are the times I went to the movies, and stood up for the National Anthem, before EVERY movie, walking on base to find different Brigades doing PT, running with their company flag, each with their own chants, the diversity, and the respect that was always there.
The first time I saw my father as a soldier, was when his entire Brigade was to be deployed to Iraq, and he wasn't, and was supposed to stay back and work as the Rear Detachment, taking care of the families left behind. Because my father wanted to go. He felt the need to be with his soldiers, he felt that he had to take their place and someone else take his. This, honestly, was the hardest thing for me to take in. I couldn't understand why my dad would want to leave ME and my family, to go to a war, that had JUST begun, and risk his life. As I said, it was then I saw him as a soldier. He knew what his job entailed and he was ready to do it. Home was hard for quite a while after this. But eventually my father grew to appreciate the hand God had dealt him, in allowing him to be home, safe, with his family. I do have to say, one of the most difficult experiences I had to take part in, was during the Engineer Ball [my father was a combat engineer]. My mother wanted me to go with my dad to the Ball. I was all excited, and couldnt wait. Once we got their, we mingled, ate, and it was then, when they made presentations, that I wish I couldve avoided the whole situation. On top of the stage was a huge 8ft by 8ft Frame with tons of wallet size photos, of the soldiers whom were Engineers of this Brigade that had fallen/ passed away in war. And they also had a memorial for the few soldiers that had fallen just a few days prior. Having their boots side by side, with their rifle in between and their helmet on top of the rifle, with the pictures on the side. I couldnt help by cry, and thank God that my dad didnt have to go. After the presentation, most of the guests started to dance, and try to enjoy themselves. I couldnt help but stare at one of my fathers Private's. He had pulled a chair up in front of that huge frame, and sat there and cried. He cried all night. It was then, that I decided I could never be apart of the military.I couldnt help but cry for him. He was now alone, all his friends had passed away.
Come graduation time, again, I was one of the few who were fortunate enough to have my father see me graduate. For those whose parents were deployed, we had a video conference, so that over webcam, they could see their child graduate. I graduated at a Castle, Seehof, a beautiful little castle, mainly known for its luscious gardens. A week or two after, I left what became home. And I promise you, so soon I stepped foot off that airplane, I felt tension in the air.
One thing that I love most about the way I grew up, is that I grew up within a diverse community, with hardly any judgements, or prejudices. I honestly didnt know that racism, and prejudicism still existed, I thought that had ended not too long after the Civil Rights Movement. But I realized QUICKLY, that that wasnt the case. My first year of College was a difficult one. I felt as if I didnt fit in anywhere. I felt like I couldnt hangout with the "white" crowd, because the majority of them seemed fake to me. Like wanna-be Laguna beach girls lol [ i appologize for the stereotype, but this is how i felt], I felt like I couldnt hangout with the "black" crowd, simply because i was white.And NEVER before did i have this issue. But the looks n comments I got from both crowds were ridiculous. And thats pretty much as far as diversity goes on my campus, minus the small population of international students from China. However, these students primarily stick together. I felt lost, confused, thrown into this whole new world, in which I didnt agree with. Where I grew up, we ALL hung-out together, no issue of race or anything really. I fell into a deep, deep depression. Im ashamed to admit this, but I even thought about suicide, and almost attempted it. However, I didnt, I had met two people, who had become extremely close to me, who had brought me back up. But I'm still struggling with this issue of race, and prejudices today. And Im dedicating my schooling to fight against this issue as well as poverty.
Well I suppose this is enough for my first entry, but be prepared to have many more..
--The Undiscoverd
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
