1/30/10: Love for ME

I'm proud to say, I'm finally changing back into the OLD and more improved ME.

Back home [Bamberg Germany], I was very much a Bitch, bossy, controlling, and slightly cocky. I had a large amount of respect for myself, and definitely put myself up on this little pedestal lol. This attitude of mine was definitely a result of finding my niche in high school; for me it was sports. However, moving stateside changed all of that. I didn't make any of the club teams and I definitely couldn't make the varsity teams, I couldn't find my niche.

I couldn't find my niche, and fell into a deep depression from being away from home, and from not being able to fit in, which all resulted in me losing that respect I had, it made me lose my bitchiness, control, and cockiness. I was this vulnerable young woman. That is when I sought for attention, the wrong kind of attention.

In high school, I was always seen as the 'homie', never did I get the attention of me being a beautiful girl that they wanted to be with. And if they did show me attention, it always had to be on the DL..sometimes I'd take it, however most, most I just shrugged them off, because I knew I deserved better. But once I got to college, I lost all that respect, and took what I could get, I settled. I felt that any attention was good attention, cause it would make me feel good about myself; I only felt good about myself when I had attention. I know this is completely wrong, and stupid, but that's how I felt. I did anything I could to feel good, because I couldn't make myself feel good.

I've been through ALOT within the last four years of my life...I've had many, many downs, and tried so hard to pull myself back up, but I never could. I still relied on others to make me feel good. And I've come to the realization that the reason for all the hardships I've had to endure within the last four years was a result of the lack of respect, confidence, and love for ME.

I met someone just a few months ago, and I'm starting to see changes. Yes, I suppose this is me relying on someone else to bring me back up, but the difference is...this person is helping me change, so that I can bring myself back up. I'm slowly starting to see myself gain that respect that I once had for myself, that confidence is slowly returning, and I'm starting to love ME again. And I can honestly say that I LOVE this me, and this me is going to be staying here from here on out And to that special someone, I just want to say thank you...thank you from the bottom of my heart. It means so much to me to have you here and helping me be ME again. I just hope that one day I can be there for you like you are there for me now.

<3