I'm proud to say, I'm finally changing back into the OLD and more improved ME.
Back home [Bamberg Germany], I was very much a Bitch, bossy, controlling, and slightly cocky. I had a large amount of respect for myself, and definitely put myself up on this little pedestal lol. This attitude of mine was definitely a result of finding my niche in high school; for me it was sports. However, moving stateside changed all of that. I didn't make any of the club teams and I definitely couldn't make the varsity teams, I couldn't find my niche.
I couldn't find my niche, and fell into a deep depression from being away from home, and from not being able to fit in, which all resulted in me losing that respect I had, it made me lose my bitchiness, control, and cockiness. I was this vulnerable young woman. That is when I sought for attention, the wrong kind of attention.
In high school, I was always seen as the 'homie', never did I get the attention of me being a beautiful girl that they wanted to be with. And if they did show me attention, it always had to be on the DL..sometimes I'd take it, however most, most I just shrugged them off, because I knew I deserved better. But once I got to college, I lost all that respect, and took what I could get, I settled. I felt that any attention was good attention, cause it would make me feel good about myself; I only felt good about myself when I had attention. I know this is completely wrong, and stupid, but that's how I felt. I did anything I could to feel good, because I couldn't make myself feel good.
I've been through ALOT within the last four years of my life...I've had many, many downs, and tried so hard to pull myself back up, but I never could. I still relied on others to make me feel good. And I've come to the realization that the reason for all the hardships I've had to endure within the last four years was a result of the lack of respect, confidence, and love for ME.
I met someone just a few months ago, and I'm starting to see changes. Yes, I suppose this is me relying on someone else to bring me back up, but the difference is...this person is helping me change, so that I can bring myself back up. I'm slowly starting to see myself gain that respect that I once had for myself, that confidence is slowly returning, and I'm starting to love ME again. And I can honestly say that I LOVE this me, and this me is going to be staying here from here on out And to that special someone, I just want to say thank you...thank you from the bottom of my heart. It means so much to me to have you here and helping me be ME again. I just hope that one day I can be there for you like you are there for me now.
<3
Saturday, January 30, 2010
Friday, January 29, 2010
1/29/10: History
The history I hold with me, is quite a unique one.I was born and raised into the military life. It wasn't until I began my college career that I had to engage myself in the civilian life.
My mother, a German, who was born and raised in Germany. My father, an American, who was bored and raised in Michigan.My father spent 24yrs in the Army, and I was apart of the last 17 years. I was born in Germany, in a German-Catholic hospital, that was right down the road from my Uhr Oma's [Great Grandmother] house. My brother, who was there for the last 15 of the 24 years, was born on a military base, in a military hospital. I was raised in a bi-lingual household, English became my first language, German my second; mainly because I had attended the American schools on the Army bases, rather than going to German school. Which would've been an amazing experience, however, my parents thought it would be in my best interest to attend only the American schools. Which I do understand, because these two school systems are quite different, and it would've only caused problems further down the road.
I was born in Ludwigshaffen Germany, while my family was stationed Schweinfurt, and then Mannheim, until I was about the age of 4-5. We then were stationed to Ft. Lewis WA. We stayed there for roughly three years, until my father was deployed to Korea. My mother, whom had never lived in the states until now, didn't know where to turn to. Luckily my Oma [Grandmother: who is also German] remarried to an American and lived in Arkansas. So as my dad deployed for a year, we moved to Arkansas. Here was where I had my first little taste of civilian life.It was extremely difficult, and as I found out 4 years ago, still is. However, that year flew by, and we were stationed back to Ft. Lewis WA. And it was in 2000, that we were stationed back to Germany. Here we were lucky enough to stay for 6 fabulous years. It was here in this last city, that I became the person I am today.
Growing up in the military life, was difficult at times. Always having to be the new kid, not having a house that you grew up in, and could always go back to, always having to explain your life story. What was most difficult, was leaving those friendships that you took so long to make, and quickly had to leave. However, I will say one thing, friendships made within the military life, they stay with you forever. Not only was it difficult with having to move from place to place, but having a parent gone, alot, was also difficult. My father was often deployed, and sent to the Field quite often. As I got older I started to understand more and more the life of a soldier and what all it entails.Once 9/11 occurred, was when I truly saw for the first time, my father as a soldier. After this event, alot changed. Fortunately I was one of the few lucky ones that never had to worry about my father being deployed to war. My school now had soldiers, armed, walking the perimeters of the school, we had to be checked into the building, sometimes having backpacks searched, etc.This was the first time I had to do anything like that, it was slightly terrifying. When going off and on base, we had to be searched, which took forever, but we understood the situation and knew it was necessary. To be honest, it wasn't until after 9/11 that I truly appreciated my lifestyle, and appreciated my country and all the soldiers fighting for us. When saying the Pledge of Allegance, especially the first few times after the event, I cried. Having to come to school, to see the flags at half-mass, which symbolized that another soldier from our base had passed. Walking to school in the morning to hear that Trumpet, with the same old tune, symbolizing a memorial service for more soldiers who had passed. Hearing stories of those soldiers who had taken their lives, to avoid war, those who took drastic measures to simply avoid doing their job. 9/11 truly brought the job of a soldier back into realization, because for a long time, war was in the back of everyone's minds.What I miss most, are the times I went to the movies, and stood up for the National Anthem, before EVERY movie, walking on base to find different Brigades doing PT, running with their company flag, each with their own chants, the diversity, and the respect that was always there.
The first time I saw my father as a soldier, was when his entire Brigade was to be deployed to Iraq, and he wasn't, and was supposed to stay back and work as the Rear Detachment, taking care of the families left behind. Because my father wanted to go. He felt the need to be with his soldiers, he felt that he had to take their place and someone else take his. This, honestly, was the hardest thing for me to take in. I couldn't understand why my dad would want to leave ME and my family, to go to a war, that had JUST begun, and risk his life. As I said, it was then I saw him as a soldier. He knew what his job entailed and he was ready to do it. Home was hard for quite a while after this. But eventually my father grew to appreciate the hand God had dealt him, in allowing him to be home, safe, with his family. I do have to say, one of the most difficult experiences I had to take part in, was during the Engineer Ball [my father was a combat engineer]. My mother wanted me to go with my dad to the Ball. I was all excited, and couldnt wait. Once we got their, we mingled, ate, and it was then, when they made presentations, that I wish I couldve avoided the whole situation. On top of the stage was a huge 8ft by 8ft Frame with tons of wallet size photos, of the soldiers whom were Engineers of this Brigade that had fallen/ passed away in war. And they also had a memorial for the few soldiers that had fallen just a few days prior. Having their boots side by side, with their rifle in between and their helmet on top of the rifle, with the pictures on the side. I couldnt help by cry, and thank God that my dad didnt have to go. After the presentation, most of the guests started to dance, and try to enjoy themselves. I couldnt help but stare at one of my fathers Private's. He had pulled a chair up in front of that huge frame, and sat there and cried. He cried all night. It was then, that I decided I could never be apart of the military.I couldnt help but cry for him. He was now alone, all his friends had passed away.
Come graduation time, again, I was one of the few who were fortunate enough to have my father see me graduate. For those whose parents were deployed, we had a video conference, so that over webcam, they could see their child graduate. I graduated at a Castle, Seehof, a beautiful little castle, mainly known for its luscious gardens. A week or two after, I left what became home. And I promise you, so soon I stepped foot off that airplane, I felt tension in the air.
One thing that I love most about the way I grew up, is that I grew up within a diverse community, with hardly any judgements, or prejudices. I honestly didnt know that racism, and prejudicism still existed, I thought that had ended not too long after the Civil Rights Movement. But I realized QUICKLY, that that wasnt the case. My first year of College was a difficult one. I felt as if I didnt fit in anywhere. I felt like I couldnt hangout with the "white" crowd, because the majority of them seemed fake to me. Like wanna-be Laguna beach girls lol [ i appologize for the stereotype, but this is how i felt], I felt like I couldnt hangout with the "black" crowd, simply because i was white.And NEVER before did i have this issue. But the looks n comments I got from both crowds were ridiculous. And thats pretty much as far as diversity goes on my campus, minus the small population of international students from China. However, these students primarily stick together. I felt lost, confused, thrown into this whole new world, in which I didnt agree with. Where I grew up, we ALL hung-out together, no issue of race or anything really. I fell into a deep, deep depression. Im ashamed to admit this, but I even thought about suicide, and almost attempted it. However, I didnt, I had met two people, who had become extremely close to me, who had brought me back up. But I'm still struggling with this issue of race, and prejudices today. And Im dedicating my schooling to fight against this issue as well as poverty.
Well I suppose this is enough for my first entry, but be prepared to have many more..
--The Undiscoverd
My mother, a German, who was born and raised in Germany. My father, an American, who was bored and raised in Michigan.My father spent 24yrs in the Army, and I was apart of the last 17 years. I was born in Germany, in a German-Catholic hospital, that was right down the road from my Uhr Oma's [Great Grandmother] house. My brother, who was there for the last 15 of the 24 years, was born on a military base, in a military hospital. I was raised in a bi-lingual household, English became my first language, German my second; mainly because I had attended the American schools on the Army bases, rather than going to German school. Which would've been an amazing experience, however, my parents thought it would be in my best interest to attend only the American schools. Which I do understand, because these two school systems are quite different, and it would've only caused problems further down the road.
I was born in Ludwigshaffen Germany, while my family was stationed Schweinfurt, and then Mannheim, until I was about the age of 4-5. We then were stationed to Ft. Lewis WA. We stayed there for roughly three years, until my father was deployed to Korea. My mother, whom had never lived in the states until now, didn't know where to turn to. Luckily my Oma [Grandmother: who is also German] remarried to an American and lived in Arkansas. So as my dad deployed for a year, we moved to Arkansas. Here was where I had my first little taste of civilian life.It was extremely difficult, and as I found out 4 years ago, still is. However, that year flew by, and we were stationed back to Ft. Lewis WA. And it was in 2000, that we were stationed back to Germany. Here we were lucky enough to stay for 6 fabulous years. It was here in this last city, that I became the person I am today.
Growing up in the military life, was difficult at times. Always having to be the new kid, not having a house that you grew up in, and could always go back to, always having to explain your life story. What was most difficult, was leaving those friendships that you took so long to make, and quickly had to leave. However, I will say one thing, friendships made within the military life, they stay with you forever. Not only was it difficult with having to move from place to place, but having a parent gone, alot, was also difficult. My father was often deployed, and sent to the Field quite often. As I got older I started to understand more and more the life of a soldier and what all it entails.Once 9/11 occurred, was when I truly saw for the first time, my father as a soldier. After this event, alot changed. Fortunately I was one of the few lucky ones that never had to worry about my father being deployed to war. My school now had soldiers, armed, walking the perimeters of the school, we had to be checked into the building, sometimes having backpacks searched, etc.This was the first time I had to do anything like that, it was slightly terrifying. When going off and on base, we had to be searched, which took forever, but we understood the situation and knew it was necessary. To be honest, it wasn't until after 9/11 that I truly appreciated my lifestyle, and appreciated my country and all the soldiers fighting for us. When saying the Pledge of Allegance, especially the first few times after the event, I cried. Having to come to school, to see the flags at half-mass, which symbolized that another soldier from our base had passed. Walking to school in the morning to hear that Trumpet, with the same old tune, symbolizing a memorial service for more soldiers who had passed. Hearing stories of those soldiers who had taken their lives, to avoid war, those who took drastic measures to simply avoid doing their job. 9/11 truly brought the job of a soldier back into realization, because for a long time, war was in the back of everyone's minds.What I miss most, are the times I went to the movies, and stood up for the National Anthem, before EVERY movie, walking on base to find different Brigades doing PT, running with their company flag, each with their own chants, the diversity, and the respect that was always there.
The first time I saw my father as a soldier, was when his entire Brigade was to be deployed to Iraq, and he wasn't, and was supposed to stay back and work as the Rear Detachment, taking care of the families left behind. Because my father wanted to go. He felt the need to be with his soldiers, he felt that he had to take their place and someone else take his. This, honestly, was the hardest thing for me to take in. I couldn't understand why my dad would want to leave ME and my family, to go to a war, that had JUST begun, and risk his life. As I said, it was then I saw him as a soldier. He knew what his job entailed and he was ready to do it. Home was hard for quite a while after this. But eventually my father grew to appreciate the hand God had dealt him, in allowing him to be home, safe, with his family. I do have to say, one of the most difficult experiences I had to take part in, was during the Engineer Ball [my father was a combat engineer]. My mother wanted me to go with my dad to the Ball. I was all excited, and couldnt wait. Once we got their, we mingled, ate, and it was then, when they made presentations, that I wish I couldve avoided the whole situation. On top of the stage was a huge 8ft by 8ft Frame with tons of wallet size photos, of the soldiers whom were Engineers of this Brigade that had fallen/ passed away in war. And they also had a memorial for the few soldiers that had fallen just a few days prior. Having their boots side by side, with their rifle in between and their helmet on top of the rifle, with the pictures on the side. I couldnt help by cry, and thank God that my dad didnt have to go. After the presentation, most of the guests started to dance, and try to enjoy themselves. I couldnt help but stare at one of my fathers Private's. He had pulled a chair up in front of that huge frame, and sat there and cried. He cried all night. It was then, that I decided I could never be apart of the military.I couldnt help but cry for him. He was now alone, all his friends had passed away.
Come graduation time, again, I was one of the few who were fortunate enough to have my father see me graduate. For those whose parents were deployed, we had a video conference, so that over webcam, they could see their child graduate. I graduated at a Castle, Seehof, a beautiful little castle, mainly known for its luscious gardens. A week or two after, I left what became home. And I promise you, so soon I stepped foot off that airplane, I felt tension in the air.
One thing that I love most about the way I grew up, is that I grew up within a diverse community, with hardly any judgements, or prejudices. I honestly didnt know that racism, and prejudicism still existed, I thought that had ended not too long after the Civil Rights Movement. But I realized QUICKLY, that that wasnt the case. My first year of College was a difficult one. I felt as if I didnt fit in anywhere. I felt like I couldnt hangout with the "white" crowd, because the majority of them seemed fake to me. Like wanna-be Laguna beach girls lol [ i appologize for the stereotype, but this is how i felt], I felt like I couldnt hangout with the "black" crowd, simply because i was white.And NEVER before did i have this issue. But the looks n comments I got from both crowds were ridiculous. And thats pretty much as far as diversity goes on my campus, minus the small population of international students from China. However, these students primarily stick together. I felt lost, confused, thrown into this whole new world, in which I didnt agree with. Where I grew up, we ALL hung-out together, no issue of race or anything really. I fell into a deep, deep depression. Im ashamed to admit this, but I even thought about suicide, and almost attempted it. However, I didnt, I had met two people, who had become extremely close to me, who had brought me back up. But I'm still struggling with this issue of race, and prejudices today. And Im dedicating my schooling to fight against this issue as well as poverty.
Well I suppose this is enough for my first entry, but be prepared to have many more..
--The Undiscoverd
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